I'm going to be honest with you here, I suck at having a blog.
Why did I think that this was a good idea?
Who did I think would be interested in this?
I've made countless attempts to make weekly posts that manage to become derailed.
I try to come up with interesting topics and yet I still feel like it all goes unnoticed.
I don't think that people can relate to what I talk about.
I don't think that people care about what I talk about.
It's hard.
It's frustrating.
It's disappointing.
& most importantly
It's a big apart of growth.
In todays world we revolve around numbers. But I've learned that life should not be dictated by numbers. It is not about how many followers you have, how many likes you get, your number of subscribers, or craving the approval of others. There are approximately 7.5 million people on earth and there are also approximately 505 million blogs in the world- that scares the heck out of me. I have created this blog and you have managed to find your way to Gracefully Known. And yet this blog still sucks. But I'm okay with that. There are writing and grammatical errors, missed spelled words, missed deadlines, bad ideas, endless drafts, and yet I'm still here. Why? Because I love it. This blog was a spur of the moment decision for me to launch and it has been such a healthy outlet for me to share my life, who I am, who I want to be, and how God is moving in my life.
People just want to be known. They want their name to be heard and said, and they want to be and feel seen. I struggled with this for the longest time. I constantly told myself that 'there isn't anything special about Sara', so I tried to make myself known by those around me. I craved attention and sometimes not in the most healthy ways either. As I've gotten older and I've come to the conclusion that not everyone will like you, will want to be your friend, will want to confide in you or want to support you. This was a hard realization to come to but I am so glad that I no longer have the stress of having to prove myself through my performance and I am so much happier.
This blog sucks in the way that its real. It has been sitting in my drafts for over three months now. It sucks. But it is not scripted, its not forced, its not fake and its not me trying to be someone that I'm not. This blog is the real, it's the raw emotions that I feel spilled out onto "paper" so to speak. It's messy, its emotional, and sometimes its hard for me to talk about the things that are within my blog.
You see, this blog sucks; but God doesn't.
Its such a christian thing to say 'I don't know where I would be without God', but honestly, think about it. Where would you be? What path would you have stumbled down? Would you have the same friends? Would you have the same interests? What music would you be listening to? Would the desires of your heart be the same? Would your goals in life be different? Would you look at sunsets differently? I certainly wouldn't be where I am right now. I wouldn't have found Young Life, I wouldn't have spent six months in Seattle rekindling a broken relationship, I wouldn't have this blog, I wouldn't be surrounded by friends that know the desires of my heart and push me to utilize them to their full potential. I choose not to think about where I would've ended up but its important to understand that on the other side of this golden garden that we are in is a lost land.
Its so beautiful how God wrecks our plans when He sees that our plans are about to wreck us. Last year took a toll on me. I had a plan. I had a goal. And I spent so much time and energy to get there thinking it was the best thing that could happen for me. But it was wrecked before I could even experience the true joy of it. God wrecked my plan. At the time I had been working at Mission Ridge for six years and I was finally stepping into a management position. It was exactly what I thought I needed and wanted at the time in my life. I had just turned 21 and I officially felt like a real life adult making big strides in my work career. But that wasn't the case. I was wrecked. I lost the joy of skiing and the feeling of the way winter puts a pep in my step. All the pride and energy I took into working at Mission vanished into nothing in a matter of minutes. I was angry, and I was depressed. I knew God had something bigger and better in store for me than Mission Ridge at this time, and yes, I'm still trying to find that and I'm taking it one day at a time.
At times I feel like I'm hiding behind a computer screen. But I can't let that hinder the love I have for my blog. You see, you can travel thousands of miles and still feel the pressures of the past. You can have millions of followers and still feel unseen. You can burn all the bridges and still smell the smoke. You can shoot all your shots and still miss. This is inevitable. Not everything is going to go just as you have hoped, dreamed, or prayed for. But when it does, you will know why it happened at this time and not three weeks, four months, or twelve years ago. Cradle these moments because they are so valued and profitable in the long run.
Its been a rough road to return to. When I left to go to Seattle I felt as though I was running away from the problem that I left behind in Wenatchee. I thought that if I were to 'leave it in the past' that the fire that was created would eventually put itself out. But there was someone keeping watch and rekindling the fire. Its been a round-about battle between wanting to grow and wanting to heal. But whats the difference? Life is nothing if not a process of unfolding a journey of becoming who we most essentially are. And yet, when it comes to healing, if you aren’t better by the end, if you aren’t different when it’s over, you’re actually stuck in a dangerous pattern. If your mindset is: “I am healing, I am growing, I am building a new life,” instead of: “I am healed, I am changed, I am living exactly as I should be,” you will keep creating and re-creating the very circumstances that you’re trying to transform in the first place. So many people get stuck in this ongoing cycle of growth, in which they unintentionally condition their minds to seek out the next thing to change or fix. It seems proactive on the surface, but is symptomatic of a deeper issue. You can have all of the wisdom, knowledge and know-how in the world, but until you are living in simple joy each day, you are not truly awake. You are not truly healed. If you think you’re healing but not actually changing all that much, you’ve probably become addicted to the idea of "bettering yourself". So then what happens when there’s nothing left to fix, no further problems to address? You create something out of nothing. When you are in a place of constantly believing you are changing and growing, you are turning yourself into someone who always has something to overcome. If you really want to change your life, start speaking change into the present tense.
Here’s an example: I am healthier than I have ever been. I am in better shape than I have ever been. I am in a better financial place than I have ever been. I am happier than I have ever been. I am more at peace than I have ever been. I am more proud of my work than I have ever been. I am more grounded than I have ever been. I am more capable of breathing in and completely experiencing life than I have ever been.
You can see how vast a shift this is from thinking: “I want to be healthier, I am working on being in shape, I am trying to be better with money, I desire happiness.” There is a difference between problems and patterns. People who are addicted to self-growth tend to be more sensitive than others, and therefore, more vulnerable. Working on themselves constantly is a sort of defense mechanism, a way to identify and eliminate threats before they face them. With all of that said, personal development isn’t just a good thing, it’s a virtue. It’s something to which every one of us needs to commit if we want to be who we want to be and live as we want to live. So how do we tell the difference between what’s an actual issue that needs to be resolved and a pain pattern that is keeping us trapped? It’s tricky, but the answer is to cross-check the pain with logic. You need to ask yourself: Am I in danger of somehow ruining my life or hurting myself? If the answer is yes, change needs to be made. If the answer is no, it’s a pain pattern that needs to be released. The trick of any real change is that you are no longer stuck in the past, but using all of your energy and intention to create the present, and the future. Regardless of where you are, this is where we all truly begin: when you are ready to arrive into today and start experiencing life rather than just trying to survive it, you’re accomplishing the deepest healing of all.
Song of the Blog: Broken Vessels (Amazing Grace)- Live by Hillsong Worship